“We know that the law is spiritual; but I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin. I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do, I do not do, but what I hate to do.” ~ Romans 7:14-15 (emphasis mine)

This I never understand. I am confounded. It is like my heart is at war with my flesh. What a hypocrite I am. And when I fall, I am so ashamed that I struggle to lay it before the Lord. I wonder how he can possibly love me.  I feel like His problem child.

My brain (whom I have a love-hate relationship with) is so small that it can barely grasp this concept of grace. Some days I feel like I can see it and am beginning to truly understand the depth of God’s grace. As if there are layers upon layers of foggy lies wrapped around my mind and God is peeling them away so I can see truth.  But today, I am feeling blind. (How does one feel blind you ask? Just trust me here.)

This song by Rush of Fools could be my life song. Here are the lyrics.

I’ve been here before, now here I am again
Standing at the door, praying You’ll let me back in
To label me a prodigal would be
Only scratching the surface of who I’ve been known to be

Chorus

Turn me around pick me up
Undo what I’ve become
Bring me back to the place
Of forgiveness and grace
I need You, need Your help
I can’t do this myself
You’re the only one who can undo
What I’ve become

I focused on the score, but I could never win
Trying to ignore, a life of hiding my sin
To label me a hypocrite would be
Only scratching the surface of who I’ve been known to be

Chorus

Make every step lead me back to
The sovereign way that You

Chorus

You can listen to it here on You Tube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E0K_cwy81tg&ob=av2n

Today is officially Black Friday. My sister-in-law(s) and myself have been known in years past to brave the freezing weather, intolerable long lines and sometimes life threatening angry crowds in order to score a smokin’ deal on Black Friday. Ah, those were the days. I will say, those memories are good ones! I am sure the future holds for us Black Fridays like those I have experienced in the past but this year, we decided to skip the experience. Neither myself or my SIL saw anything that would entice us to be in line somewhere when really, we should be sleeping. Also, my SIL has a 5 month old baby which automatically makes Black Friday a no go. We did however leave at 1:00pm today with our oldest children so they could do their Christmas shopping. We were pleasantly surprised that all the crazy shoppers must have gone home to bed because none of the stores we visited were overly busy. We still managed to get a few Black Friday steals and all in all had a nice time enjoying each others company (even if my sweet baby nephew screamed every time I held him.) My feet are sore but it was well worth it!

My children slept over at their Aunt and Uncle’s house last night. My hubs had to leave for work at 6:30 this morning so I was alone for a few precious hours. I found myself prostrate in prayer, emptying my heart to God. I am so incapable of behaving sometimes (more like everyday). While praying and driving this morning, I was struck again by this concept of grace. Without it, I am lost, hopeless, doomed. Why do I find myself over and over again trying obey and do the right thing with my own strength?  I can promise you that I cannot. I fail daily.

“I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” Philippians 4:13

My children and I just spent the last 3 hours in the kitchen preparing mouth watering delicacies for tomorrows feast. Okay, so maybe they aren’t delicacies but my house sure smells scrumptious right now!  Dd was so helpful. She is 11. She sliced up and peeled the apples for the apple pie, added the remaining ingredients, did a pretty darn good job rolling out the tricky pie crust I made last night and made the streusel topping. She also whipped the sweet potatoes and drained the olives and such and put them on a platter. Last night she made the cranberry sauce and the puppy chow practically on her own. She proved invaluable tonight because we were surprised early in the day with the opportunity to take my dad to a Dr. appointment on the other side of town. It was a fairly long appointment so by the time we finished and made a few stops we returned home rather late in the afternoon. I am deeply grateful for my dd’s help. I guess I was a bit surprised tonight by how much of a help she was. I am kind of in awe! My 8yo ds was also helpful! He washed and dried the blueberries, zested a lime and made the fruit dip (although I had to finish mixing it. Marshmallow creme is tricky stuff!). He eventually lost interest and left the kingdom of domestic females in order to draw cartoon scenes on the white board while in his underwear. God bless the entertaining cluelessness of little boys!

One of our stops was Costco. I splurged and bought muffins for us to eat while we watch the parade in the morning. I had a feeling I wasn’t going to have time to make anything exciting for breakfast and I didn’t want to make the kids eat cold cereal on such a fun morning. I want to cuddle with them and watch the parade, not be secluded in the kitchen.

We are excited for tomorrow!

“Know that the Lord is God. It is he who made us, and we are his; we are His people, the sheep of His pasture. Enter His gates with thanksgiving and His courts with praise; give thanks to Him and praise His name. For the Lord is good and His love endures forever; His faithfulness continues through all generations.” ~ Psalm 100:3-5

A fresh start.  A new beginning. A brand new blog. Yes, I confess I have tried to blog a time or two in the past and failed miserably. However, finding I have a little more time on my hands paired with my family growing and changing at lightening speed, I have decided that blogging about our lives would be a super way to document these fleeting days.

I am almost 37 years old. I married my high school sweetheart the day after I graduated high school (and no, I was not pregnant). I have an 11yo dd and an 8yo ds. I homeschool my dc. They have been homeschooled since birth. My dh is also nearly 37. He is my hunky firefighter and all around Jack of all Trades. We live  in the desert and pretty much hate it. We dream of moving somewhere a bit cooler and greener. We would love to have our own little farm or ranch. We currently live on a little acre out of town and truly enjoy the space between neighbors. We also love how clearly we can see the stars. We have 8 chickens, 4 hermit crabs, 2 dogs and a cat. We also have a large vegetable garden.

I am a Christ follower. Something else I tend to fail miserably at. During the past week I have been rather astounded by the idea of grace and mercy. Call me a slow learner but I am beginning to finally see that there is no possible way for me to get it right. I have to survive by grace alone, breath by breath, moment by moment, day by day.

My little family is facing changes over the next year that are scary and exciting at the same time. We are preparing to sell our home. We have decided to travel around our state on my hub’s 6 days off between tours in a fifth wheel. We are going to do this for a few years then purchase some land and build our own home. Sounds easy enough! I am sure it will be much more involved than that but it will be a chance of a lifetime. An adventure! What an opportunity with the kids! We hope to go out of state twice during that time. Once to Alaska and again to Virginia. From a homeschooling perspective, it is going to be one awesome field trip!

We love to camp so this won’t be a stretch for us. I believe the biggest challenge (in my mind thus far) will be whittling down our possessions. We have 18 years of ‘stuff’ to evaluate. I confess, I love the thought of a clean start. Purging is so therapeutic for me.

I hope to chronicle our journey here. I am eager to see what the Lord has for us in this season of life. I want desperately to trust in the Lord with all my heart and lean not on my own understanding. To acknowledge Him in all of His ways and allow Him to direct my (our) paths. (Proverbs 3:4-5) I want to capture every thought of  doubt, fear, anxiety and make it obey Him. (2 Corinthians 10:5). My sinful nature wants me to guess at the future, worry about what’s next, wring my hands over my health, fear over finances. I pray that the Lord will remind me to allow Him to lead and that through this next season we will all draw closer to Him.

A few short days from now we will be headed to my sister and brother in law’s home to celebrate a day of thanks with family. I cannot wait to hear the sounds of cousins playing together, their footsteps up and down the stairs and endless laughter. My sister-in-law and I will work side by side in the kitchen preparing to bless our families with all their favorites of  the season. Doubtless we will enjoy the background sounds of football while our sense of smell is assaulted by each course of our meal roasting, simmering and baking. I can already hear the kids asking regularly when it will be time to eat. My mind’s eye envisions the comforting sight of the men, all napping, bellies heavy from our traditional meal as the women clean up and package the coveted leftovers. Later, as the kids play outside, we will sit over coffee and chat while the men continue to nap. Eventually they will stir and bike rides will be in order. As the kids and men arrive back from their adventure on wheels, dessert will be set out and more coffee brewed. A game of cribbage may be played. Adults will spend time debating and laughing while the children shower and snuggle into their jammies. A holiday movie will play and the women will clean up a final time, gathering the belongings of others and pack leftovers to be sent home with each family. We will say our goodbyes as we embrace and hug all who leave and finally, it will be our turn to depart. The drive home will be quiet and drowsy as we wrap ourselves in the warmth of fresh Thanksgiving memories and tuck them into the hallowed cubbies of our minds until next year, when remember previous Thanksgivings, all over again.

Happy Thanksgiving.