It took me forever to fall asleep last night. This is my second night with a new pillow and I have not adjusted to it yet. My son is sick so he slept in my bed so I could monitor him. I listened to his breathing and occasional coughs throughout the night but wasn’t interrupted by him very much. When I did fall asleep I slept very well (other than a bizarre dream about aborted babies that survived and needed caring for and World War III breaking out at the same time). All of this to say, I had an epiphany somewhere in my odd evening of rest. Out of no where the word denial was whispered to me and between fits of sleep that word swirled through my mind. Denial, denial, denial. As I drifted in and out of sleep, thinking about denial (and I am not speaking about de Nile), I was angry. Really angry. It boils down to being angry at myself but I didn’t (don’t) want to accept that bit of truth. I want to be angry at someone else, to blame someone else. I am even in denial about being angry about being in denial. (My mind is a twisted little place.) Even as I type this I am a bit angry, albeit not as angry as I was before I began typing. I wasn’t going to share this bit of personal turmoil with anyone at first. I shot down the idea about blogging it or even putting it in my journal but I decided it is a part of my life and the goal of this blog is to be real. The good, the bad, and the ugly. So here is the ugly. I am in denial about my weight, moving and school. In my mind, I feel like the only solution is to have a full week (Dream Week) without children or other responsibilities so I can focus on detailed lesson plans, a new exercise routine with menus set up and ready to go on Spark People and time to spare to get some real packing done. Since Dream Week is not a reality, I go into automatic ticked off mode and bury my shattered dream in food and a good book (a lovely escape I might add) or time on the computer. I give myself pep talks. “Jenn, this is it! This is your only life. Every day you live in is denial is another day in your life that you lose! Poof! Gone! Is the sum of your life going to be made up of reading, eating and wasting time on the computer?” I even think about a number of scriptures that apply to how God expects us to use our time along with the consequences. (Proverbs 24:33-34; Ephesians 5:15-17; I Timothy 4:7-11; Romans 13:11-12). Yet, I feel frozen, unable to change my wicked mindset.

I am forever waiting for perfect circumstances before I take action.

And now I am so irritated and worked up I don’t want to have my quiet time. (The circumstances aren’t perfect you see . . . )

Now where did I put my book . . . . . . .